| The
New Action Hero (warning: one bad word) |
Okay, I admit it, I'm a sucker for action-adventure flicks. Given the choice
between watching "The Mummy Returns" and "Bridget Jones' Diary" this
weekend, Bridget lost by a mile.
I love a good shoot-em-up, and I have even been known to enjoy a Jean-Claude
Van Damme movie, God help me.
That's not to say I leave my good taste at the door. My husband is the
only living American who actually liked "Lost in Space" (the movie). Yeah,
it had no plot, lousy acting, was long, boring and you wanted to slap the
whiny characters, but hey, it had great special effects!
Likewise, "Mission Impossible 2" was horrible. It wasn't just that the
plot was thin and the acting dry. It was just one loooong slow-motion fight
scene.
What is with that trend, anyway? The beauty of martial arts is the incredible
speed at which the masters can move, as clearly demonstrated in the wild
success of Jackie Chan movies (it's not the plots, believe me) and the
so-I-hear stunning "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon." So they can kick high
and hard. Can they kick high and hard while flying through the trees and
simultaneously avoiding the bad guy's equally fast punch and counterkick?
The speed at which artists like Michelle Yeogh move is incredible.
So "Mission Impossible 2" was just plain annoying. Long tedious minutes
of Tom Cruise beginning a kick, slowing to infinitesimal speed as the camera
rotates, presumably so we can be impressed with his midair Peter Pan impression.
That
was the main flaw in "The Mummy Returns, and fortunately, one of the few
flaws in a great movie. During a couple of Brendan Fraser's scenes as Rick
O'Connell, mummy-fighting adventurer (and husband and father), they slowed
the cameras down a bit so we can be impressed, then alternately speed up
the film so they look like one of those old-time hand-crank movies.
Note to moviemakers: show us the fighting at real-time speed, or don't
show it at all. Please.
Now if you hated the 1998 "Mummy," you'll find more of the same to hate.
Yes, it's blasphemy to drag the old Universal monster out of his crypt.
Yes, the plot is thin enough to read the paper through. Yes, it's the same
formulaic design as the previous movie, several Indiana Jones movies and
probably action stories leading back to the Odyssey.
Who cares? If you're a fan of action movies, you don't spend your timee
wondering how Sylvester Stallone could survive being dunked nearly-naked
through ice into freezing water at the top of a really big mountain in
winter and spend the rest of the movie running around soaking wet without
a coat and NOT die of hypothermia, to say nothing of the bad guys' bullets.
And I'm not going to argue that "Mummy Returns" is a fine piece of cinematic
sirloin. It has achingly sappy dialogue and stiff
moments between the action sequences.
The
critics have been truly harsh to it, although some of the reviews read
like the critic didn't actually watch the movie. One of them said the main
characters drag their son along on a chase across the country. Actually
(SPOILER HERE) they were chasing AFTER their son, who had been kidnapped.
But critics and film professors are always harsh to the hamburger of the
cinema.
What am I talking about? What does meat have to do with anything?
In Stephen King's "Danse Macabre," he makes an excellent analogy to horror
movies from sirloin to bologna, as in, "If you develop too much of a taste
for sirloin, you'll miss out on some great baloney."
(I have horribly mangled Mr. King's original statement, but I promise I'll
look it up when my paperback copy resurfaces.)
I made this argument once while arguing with a film professor who had turned
up his nose at some movie that I thought was great fun. I told him he had
developed far too much of a sirloin taste and he was missing some great
baloney.
Then my husband chimed up again about "Lost in Space," to which I replied,
"There's baloney, and then there's dog food."
I was talking about "The Mummy Returns," wasn't I? It's stuck in my mind
all weekend, so much so I held this column one day so I could go see it
again. I'm not sure why. It was an engaging movie, yes, but even "Saving
Private Ryan" didn't stick with me like this. Hell, the best thing about
the movie was that The Rock, who plays a bad guy, doesn't say a single
word. Thank God. I was worried about that.
(My husband disagrees with me here. He says The Rock gave an order to his
army to attack at the very beginning of the movie. On second viewing, he
was right. But it was in what I presume is ancient Egyptian, so I say it
doesn't count.)
What made "Mummy Returns" so special that it's stayed in my mind? Was it
because a husband and wife faced the forces of evil instead of two attractive
singles suppressing their lust for each other?
Certainly it wasn't the dialogue. "I want him back, Rick. I want him back
in my arms," is one of the painful lines poor Rachel Weisz must utter as
they chase after their son, who has been kidnapped by the resurrected mummy
(Arnold Vosloo), one of several times they play the child-in-jeapordy card.
It was fun to see Weisz and Fraser play off each other with great chemistry
as a husband and wife still hot for each other after eight years of marriage.
Besides, both of them are pretty easy on the eyes.
Set aside plot, character and dialogue - nobody goes for these things,
it's like watching a World War II movie for the scenic views of the French
countryside.
I need to reveal some plot here, so if you're a spoiler purist like myself
and haven't seen the movie, you'd best skip along to the capital letters
IT'S SAFE NOW.
Okay. It turns out that Evelyn (Weisz) is actually the reincarnated Nefertiri,
and the young woman bedeviling her (Patricia Velasquez) is the reincarnated
Anck-su-namun, which I think I've spelled right, the forbidden mistress
of Imhotep (the mummy, doofus) and made a brief appearance as a living
corpse in the last movie. In a past-life scene (talk about a flashback!)
we see Nefertiri and Anck fighting in the Egyptian version of martial arts.
Historical accuracy? What are you talking about?
This scene was fast and furious. No slo-mo here. It was skillful and well-choreographed,
and it was two women, and they used swords. It was great.
Later, Evelyn and What's-Her-Name meet and refight their duel. It's marvelous,
especially when Evelyn tosses in a few old-fashioned American right hooks
learned from her adventurer husband.
The best thing about the first movie was that the smartest person in the
room was Evelyn. As the film professor said, usually these movies
have the sage predictions on Egyptian history and folklore pronounced by
some old white guy with a beard.
Now the best fighter in the room is Evelyn, although Rick (Fraser) gets
in some pretty good licks and gets to save the day a couple of times. But
in the final moments, it's Evelyn who saves Rick.
 IT'S
SAFE NOW.
Writer-director Stephen Sommers has clued in to the fact that women
like these things too. It's not exactly P.C., but we like a good old-fashioned
fight as well as any guy on the block, and it's more fun to watch a good
fight when you can identify with one of the fighters. Too often, we find
ourselves cowering in the corner, good only for smacking someone on the
head with a Ming vase or screaming when the bad guy stumbles too close
during the thrashing he so rightly deserves.
"Mummy Returns" speaks to that, providing a good old-fashioned action hero
with brains in Evelyn, without tedious psychological problems and ongoing
misgivings so common in the few female characters allowed to throw a punch
in previous movies. Too often, I've gone to these movies and come out griping
to my husband, "Yeah, it was a good movie, the effects were cool, it was
a neat plot, but SHE WAS USELESS!"
I guess "Mummy" has tapped into something more than just an audience of
me. As of today, they have busted every record for a non-holiday opening,
topped only by "The Lost World" on one of those cheater Memorial Day weekends
that start the Wednesday before. Just as "Titanic" clued Hollywood into
the fact that lovestruck teenage girls have money too, this movie may clue
them into a whole new audience for funny action movies, plot optional.
I hope to see more movies like this, but it looks like we're facing the
summer doldrums of ape planets and the Standard Memorial Day War Movie.
So before it goes back to the pyramids, I hope to get another fix of the
New Action Hero. She kicks ass, and she's a mom.
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