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| Scarlet
Letters |
| The
Few, The Proud, The On-Key |
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Remember
the war against Franco?
That's
the kind where each of us belongs.
Though
he may have won all the battles,
We
had all the good songs.
--
Tom Lehrer, "The Folk Song Army" in "That Was The Year That Was" |
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Uncle Sam wants YOU - to sing as loudly as you can.
Yes, High Flight, the premier show group of the United States Air Force,
is seeking a new pop/rock female vocalist. It pays a little better than
your standard singing gig - upwards of $32,000 a year - but the entrance
requirements are a little stiff.
• Enlistment in the Air Force.
• Federal security clearance.
• Maximum age 34.
That’s before you even get to the singing part.
I wonder how this job works. Do you have to go through basic training?
What about learning to fire a gun? Personally, I have held a gun once in
my life and never shot one. If I tried out for this job, would I have ordnance
training? I mean, it shouldn’t be necessary to open fire unless you were
singing at an Ozzy Osbourne concert, but wouldn’t it be embarrassing to
have an enlisted member of the U.S. Air Force who’d never shot a gun?
It reminds me of those old paintings from the Revolutionary War, where
you see the guy with the flag, the guy with the drum and the guy with the
flute out in front, playing for the troops.
“It’s not fair!” my mother, a musician, always cried when she saw those
paintings. “They send the musicians out first! That means they’ll get shot
first!”
Once upon a time, I was working the backstage of a theater production with
a Desert Storm vet. We were stuck up in the rafters for hours, adjusting
the lights, and to pass the time, I asked him what he did in Desert Storm.
“Played the tuba,” he said.
I burst out laughing, until I saw he was serious. “The tuba?”
He nodded. “I was in the Reserve Band, played at official functions and
they paid my way into school. Then I got called up to Desert Storm.”
It wasn’t all dancing and John Philip Sousa. Once, he recalled getting
the notice to put on their gas masks, the Iraqis were attacking with a
gas missile. He didn’t want to talk about it much.
“I thought they didn’t use gas,” I said. “That’s what the news said.”
I was young.
He grinned. “If they didn’t use gas or biological weapons, how come I can
never give blood again, as long as I live?” he asked.
All for playing the tuba. It’s the strangest part of the military, in my
opinion, and our military has done some goofy things from time to time.
By all means, entertain the troops. But sending some poor tuba player into
harm’s way? Does that make sense?
On the other hand, they give these valiant musicians a full military career
with benefits, and the privilege of serving one’s country in, er, an unusual
way. Maybe it’s not such a bad idea after all.
So I guess Tom Lehrer was right after all, in his brilliant satire “That
Was The Year That Was”:
So join in the Folk Song Army,
Guitars are the weapons we bring
To the fight against poverty, war, and injustice.
Ready! Aim! Sing! |
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Column Credo:
I'd be sitting in a restaurant and someone
would come up and say, "I don't like your column on this or that." I'd
hand him 35 cents. That was what the paper cost then. The refund on the
product. He'd get upset. Well, that's one attitude I have. Today,
it's half a buck. What can you buy for half a buck? Do I owe them something
that will be worth reading a hundred years from now? I don't think so.
Do I owe them something of the quality of Mark Twain? Naaa. Not for 50
cents.
I guess what I owe them is that when I
write something, it's what I think. No editor told me to write it. I'm
not doing it because the Tribune editorial page will like it, or not. So
they can be quite sure that they're getting what I think at the moment.
-- Mike Royko
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